Long entry ahead!!
Swimming Camp 2006 Report!Well, it was that time of the year again; Swimming Camp! To the same place as last year, and with the same role; as a volunteer. This was my 3rd time as a volunteer, but I do have the same feeling each and every time I'm with that team. Do I simply can't handle or a joke... or do they love making fun of me? Sure, camp was great. Kids were great, and that's the most important part of a camp to me. I shared a hut with a lot of girls I shared the cabin with last year, but with a few new ones. Sure, I know most of the girls and boys, and if I don't know they, they know me.
The first evening, when the kids arrived, everything was going smoothly. They had camp leader shirts, so I was expected to change, and I did, but why did they complain so much I wanted to change in privacy? "We're all married here! You've got nothing we haven't seen before!" Yes, and? I want privacy and that's it. My dad agreed with me. And no matter what they say, I won't do something I'm uncomfortable with.
At the camp fire, kids were asked which songs they wanted to sing. Nobody knew a thing, when suddenly one of the older kids started the Wilhelmus, the dutch national anthem. XD After that, more silly songs, mostly kindergarten songs, were sung, but everyone had a lot of fun. I was 'called' to entertain the kids with the story, this time with the help of 2 of the older kids. Sure, everyone laughed their hearts out, but plotwise and storywise it was like a tomato in a blender XD But the kids keep on loving it!After that there was a night-time game. Do know, that because of an event years ago, when I went to swimming camp along as a kid, complete and utter darkness scares me. Add my crazy imagination and there's enough for me to drive myself crazy. Most people know about this. One of the camp leaders said I was overreacting. One of the older kids knew my fear, and decided to stay with me all the time. Because of that, I made it.
The second day I woke up quite early. Everything went peachy, until breakfast arrived. What you need to know, is that I consider brown bread (as we call it) the most disgusting form of bread (okay, some are even worse). That, and I often feel I need to peel away every fiber in my entire body away for hours. But when breakfast started, I only managed to get one slice of white bread. Oh come on, who had done the groceries?! On camp, most kids take what they aren't allowed to eat at home: lotsa white bread. And now they calculated 1 slice of white bread for every kid?! But, hunger makes raw beans sweet, so I managed to get 3 of them through my throat... even though for hours I felt like it was stuck somewhere half way.
Then we first had a some sort of sports competition. For once I was at a great assignment; limbo dancing. You would be amazed how deep one of the older kids managed to get! Sure, the record was held by a little boy, but man, that tall girl got DEEP! Later that day we had a form of 'Alive Stratego'; the game Stratego but then played live. I was on one of the boarder posts, so that kids wouldn't get lost, but luckily once in a while some of the older kids came to talk to me. And since they were nice enough to keep me company, I decidided that around me was a neutral zone. Nobody in an advantage or disadvantage. 2 of the older boys were a bit annoyed, but the team of leaders thought I was a spoilsport. My dad, who arrived later on as a visitor, said it was a billiant idea of mine, and that they were just ticked off because it didn't fit into their little perfect world. Plus that they didn't think of it in the first place!
Then there was the theater night, where kids performed all sorts of things. I was called on stage for a quiz, and the other team said they lost because they couldn't come above my loud voice. But I was only faster with calling beep, while they simply called the answer. The rule was shouting beep! And I'm incredibly fast! Dad agreed on that too. He also said that I did what other camp leaders didn't do: I sat among the kids, instead of among the leaders. The leaders acted like there was some sort of elite corner according to him, and he even wondered if the leaders had way more food than the kids. Frankly, now that he mentioned it...I also was put on stage to tell a story. The kids love it, but I don't care for it much. The stories I tell (one of the older guys always helps me by playing out the story) have less than no plot at all, but the kids always love it.
Oh, before all this, one of the little kids fell. His big sister was along as well, but she told me that he was acting...different. "He's never this silent! He never cries this much!" When I told this to the other camp leaders, I was told the kid was just tired and that he cried this much because of all the attention. His sister was not assured, and neither was I. His sister knows him through and through. If it was up to me, I would have visited a doctor. And today I got a mail with the news his wrist bone is... halfway broken. Not entirely broken yet. The first thing I thought: I KNEW IT! But noooo, listning to the older sister is just plain unneeded... *sarcasm*
After that we played bingo, and all kids got a prize. Yay for them! Then there was a night game, and I suddenly felt I didn't want to go along. When one of the older kids asked me if I would come along, I could just feel I was close to crying and said I would think about it. This girl is a good friend of mine, and I was the first one who 'taught' her how to be a teacher. So, she's kinda my pupil and because of that a good friend. When she asked again, I told her I wanted to stay at the camp house. She knows about my fear, and said she would stay with me. And suddenly I lost control. I started crying without being able to stop, and soon even had trouble breathing. She, and another friend/ older kid stayed near to help me calm down. I think I was hyperventilating. My dad had already gone home, but I so wanted him near. One of the other visiting teachers said to me that this fear had to come from some where, and I told her in one line it was due to my last camp where I went along as a kid. One of the other visiting members suddenly said: "Oh, I know that one. Yeah, it explains a lot." Was she along then? Appearantly. She was the mother of my first best friend, who suddenly betrayed me. But even she still knew what happened.
What happened? Imagine sweet little kitty, of 8 years old. There was a puzzle in the night, and we had to follow a path. In the end it turned out we had to find our own way back. We thought it was best to go for the sound/ noise. The leaders thought that was where the camp had to be. But where did we end up? At a place with coffins. You know, GRAVE coffins. Not only that, all of a sudden, a guy leaped out of it as well!Turns out we ended up at a wrong game. But the kids, including my sister, her then best friend, and one of my other friends (who still has trouble because of this, but not as much as me) were scared. The nice vampire-man gave us directions, and we started to make a way back to civilisation. And what do our great leaders do? "You see that man over there? He's going to kill you all! And that man... that man too!" So, instead of calming us kids, who were lost and shaken, down, they tried to scare us even more. Suddenly, one of the leaders was missing. "Oh, he's looking if that is the right way!" And at that moment a man, with a mask over his face, leaps out of the bushes freaking us out! It was one of the damned leaders who dared to scare us even more!! And what did the other leaders do? NOT CALMING US DOWN! They LAUGHED! Damn you leaders!
So yeah, because of that, I can't handle being alone in a silent dark place any more. But according to one of the current camp leaders, I was overreacting. Overreacting my ass. Try to say now my fear was just something stupid! I FREAKING PANICKED! Last time I freaked out like this was during my freshman year. But even then I was not this scared. It was a night game, where I was the only one who heard the movement behind me (but when I started crying of fear the movements stopped, so there was indeed someone there!). The time before that was a night game during high school camp; when I was 12 years old. Back then I did hyperventilate. And the time before that? That famous swimming camp incident.
Anyway, when the kids returned, some came to check up on me. One of the kids from my cottage asked what was the matter; was I going to leave the swimming club?! Her older brother told me that he would fill her in (he knew what was the matter), but only if I wanted that. He wouldn't tell a single soul, unless I wanted that.That was such a sweet gesture. I never told his sister though. She seemed to forget it, and I wasn't ready to tell it yet... Next time when she asks I tell her.
The next morning the kids were awoken loudly. Last year, I was super cranky because of that, but because I was awake a tad earlier than they, I survived XD. We had breakfast (I barely ate a thing O.o and managed to get 2 white bread slices!) and helped with the putting together of the games of the wet competition. I expected to get wet myself, and tried to make the guy went who the leaders asked me to make wet. Accidentally, I hit a little girl more, who laughed about it. And what happens next? The camp leaders unite and dump me in a large bucket of water! At the moment, it was extremely funny and I thought it was funny too.... but after 15 minutes, it's no fun at all any more, being soaked to the bone. I was tired, cold, and soaked. And still expected to laugh. But when I'm REALLY tired, I tend to start crying from exhaustion. This only happens if I'm extremely tired, like I was then.Luckily I was able to 'escape' early, and change. But on the way back, I started to fall behind on the other 2 leaders more and more... I know I can take care of myself, but does it hurt to look at least back once?! It makes me feel so left out! And what if I hadn't had dry clothes along?! Next year, I swear, I will wear my bathing suit underneath my clothes. If I still do what they want, they make fun of me. It makes me feel unrespected, as if I'm the clown of it all, and am expected to take everything as a joke. "We don't mean it like that!" Well, that's what I keep on telling myself: "They don't mean it like that. It was just a joke." But if I have to tell that to myself... isn't that a wrong signal then?!
So, I changed, and was so ready to go home... when the kids came back for lunch, I decided that instead of mingling with the kids, I would sit with the leaders this time. After all, the complained about that the day before! And guess what: They complained again!! WHAT DO THEY FREAKING WANT?!
Dad told me that he expected the leaders to sit amidst the kids, like I did. 2 other leaders kinda sat among the kids the first days as well, but not the last lunch. Also, since I kept on filling glasses, I was practically running around. While I did not mind that, I did snap at one kid because he kept on pushing his cup under my nose, as if I should only have eyes for him. He did calm down after my small snappy remark, and with a second round, where everyone had raised their fingers, except for him, I started with him, as a reward for being patient this time ^_^. He was surprised!
I also talked to one of the older boys about my book (he can make so called ambigrams; which is cool! No matter which side you look; upsidedown or normal, you can still read the word!!) and the kids found out I wrote a book and that I can draw. A lot of them requested little drawings of themselves after that ^_^ I think I drew about 10 kids, including 1 boy. But I thought the drawing was completely messed up, so I told him: "Hold on to that drawing, because on a couple of years I will learn how to draw boys and then you can compare!" I still think I will make a new drawing for him. I still know how he looks and all :) A few of them are also on hold, because I can always take a silent moment and draw those 4 :) But it's nice if kids run to their parents and show that little sketch ^_^
For a moment it was uncertain how I would go home, as the people who had taken me along on the way there didn't expect me to go back with them too. Bwech. So, I went home, and nobody was home. That was okay. Dad and mom both had things to do.
When dad did come home, I didn't want to tell him how I felt, but eventually I did. He said that if he had seen all that had happened to me, he would have told the leaders that was not fair. I told him that I expected him that if he had seen it, he would have let me deal with it. "Not this." He said. "You are not the lower one they can always make fun off. Sure, we all have our bad sides, but this was something you did not deserve. They put you down... with every thing you did." (In dutch: pispaaltje) And today he agreed with me, that the other leaders should have listened to the older sister of that little boy.
I love swimming camp. I love the kids. But at each team barbeque, each meeting and each camp... I feel like I'm the one who has to swallow each and every joke. Even when the jokes are not fun any more. But next time... next time I will bite off on me even more! I'm not their personal clown! Next barbeque, I ask them. Just one simple question: "Is this supposed to be a joke? Because I never seem to grasp that part. I pretend to get it and laugh, but I honestly can't see the funny side of this." And when they complain about something stupid again? "Am I entitled of my own life and own decisions? I'm old enough to decide for myself and set my limits." Or perhaps: "Am I such an intresting person that you always have to comment on each and every move I make?"
Like I have the courage to say anything like that anyway....
Do note, that my name has been changed into Kitty Ocean in this text, since I don't want to post my real name ^_^.
So, once again a new wednesday. Another week of Kitt enjoying her freedom. Or am I not? Technically, I'm having an okayish time. But you know what is weird? Each day, I'm freaking busy! And what do I do?
Just a short message :) I made a new Podcast! Go and listen it!