This is one of those typical days where so much happened (yet nothing at the same time) to remember. Let me try to remember everything that happened since yesterday's post. I lost a file, but this morning I remembered it was stored on my own pc..... got to school.... and had to do the natureproject in the parc. I felt so...... left out. Laura and I-chan already arranged everything and I felt so 5th-wheelish. There wasn't much that I could do and when I finally had something to do..... I messed it up. Darn. I hope I-chan doesn't mind. I know Laura does- she is so.... stressy lately. I dunno what is wrong with her.
After that I did some other asignments for school. After that I would have some meeting with my class-mentor and another counselor woman thingie. Well, I kinda felt like being at a psychiatrist. No kidding. I don't remember all she said, but the woman said I have a very big responsibility feeling towards others, and that I have a longing to receive recognition for that (who doesn't?). She wonders why I have that feeling. I said: 'I have no clue; I have no reason to have responsibility towards them. They are only low and mean to me; never appreciate what I do and they could easily manage without me.'
(like many other things in my life: internet ~> I tend to feel responsible for people and wanting to help them while they don't need me. Most of the time I take the lead in things- especially on the net. And sometimes I truely don't want that.... but so often I accept that responsibility anyway.)
So, she wants me to look at myself and finding out who I feel responsible for and why... *thinking* Mm... each time I talk to her I begin to think more about me- and to wonder something is wrong with me. And she reïnforces that feeling- she says that I'm in College now, and I don't have to do things for others, like informing them there had been a change of scedule. But hello, I mean, we are in a class- a GROUP! Wouldn't you like it if someone informed you there had been a change of scedule? Well, my class never shows appreciation so one more reason why I stopped caring about them. That woman said I have responsibility feelings I shouldn't have.... makes me feel like a freak as well.
She also wondered how long it has been like this- being in classes where I didn't get accepted. I mumbled it started in the 1st grade/ group 3 or so. She was very surprised I noticed the big change in that time- from being a normal classmate into lowest of class. But even a nitwit would notice that. Anyway, she concluded I'm a very smart girl, and maybe the kids from my class envied my intelligence. Yeah right. I'm so smart. No wonder I barely passed my exam. No wonder I never noticed THAT was the problem. The reason I became an outcast MUST have been my great INTELLIGENCE! And people who never met me before immediately noticed I was supersmart cuz most people avoided me after 1 meeting.... Sure.... intelligence.
So, I'm a freak of nature and an outcast of society because:
~ I'm super smart
~ I care for others
~ I feel responsible for group activities
~ I long for social contact which I can't get because of the reasons stated above.
Okay, who too thinks that makes no sense at all? She did notice I was a very emotional person (babbled a lot about the inner me and outer me too) and that I have expectations of people which they cannot fulfil (okay, who doesn't have expectations of others in a group?!) and that I have the wrong image on how people on college should react. And of course that I'm caught in a 'visieuze' circle (meaning: if you think sad thought, you become depressed, which lets you think even more sad thoughts, which makes you more depressed etc etc)
BUT!!! There is NOTHING wrong with me! I shouldn't change at all! Okay...... then why do I feel like a freak now?! There is nothing wrong with me, but.... *points at all points above*. I don't get it! *confused*
I was thinking a lot when I went home and suddenly I saw a boy (about.... 10 years old?) who proudly tore the lit of a public trash can and all the other kids (girl age 10, 2 boys age 7 or so) laughed. But I was so..... well, UNIMPRESSED!
So, I said (Yay! I'm a hero!) : "Oh, how tough! You tore the lit of a TRASHCAN! A thing that cannot defend itself! How tough! Oh, I'm so impressed! I wonder if you will still be so tough if you have to pay for it yourself. Destroying a trashcan... how heroic!"
I expected a big mouth from that kid, yelling at me... but it stayed SILENT! He didn't say a thing back! O.o Maybe I impressed him?